I met David* during one of our college’s reunion in 2009. He was the typical guy that was relentless when he was chasing me. I must admit, I was smitten. He was a hurricane that turned my perfect world upside down.
He was the bad boy, and I was the good girl. He showed me his dark world that mostly consists of alcohol and clubbing and yes, sex. I started coming home at 3AM, drunk.
I wasn’t too proud of myself these 7 months with him. I drifted further away from my family and friends. I was abused mentally and I was in a bad place. Whatever I earned, I gave to him, we spent all the money on clubbing and booze.
I never knew why I stayed and allowed myself to be treated this way. We had unprotected sex many times and it was only because I had hormonal imbalance, getting my period only 2-3 times a year and many doctors told me that, chances of me becoming pregnant was very slim.
Very soon, I found out that I was pregnant. I don’t know how I knew it, but there was a gut feeling, right in your stomach and I had to secretly go out and buy a few pregnancy kits.
Right at that moment, the same episode where Quinn Fabray from Glee also found out that she was pregnant. I peed on a stick and in a cup in my parent’s toilet and my hands were shaking uncontrollably.
Right there on the sticks were 2 lines, positively pregnant and there’s no more room for denial. I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t know what to do. I was in-between jobs, I had no money, he had no money and there’s no way we could keep a baby. I don’t want a marriage and I suspected that he was cheating on me.
I told him that I was pregnant and he told me to get rid of it. Since he had no money, we should split the cost 50/50. We went to a clinic in Bangsar with my friend. The doctor did an ultrasound and confirmed that I was 2 weeks pregnant and there’s no heartbeat yet. It was still a small cell. What happened next was so fast and blurry.
The doctor told me that I should just “get rid of it” like it didn’t mean anything, like it was a mistake that could easily be erased. He told me that I’m young and I still have my whole life ahead of me.
Next thing I knew, I swallowed 4 pills and within a few hours, I started bleeding, then I was prepped for a surgery. I remember counting backwards, “10, 9, 8, 7…” before I was knocked out. I didn’t feel anything when I woke up.
He was gone, my friend was holding my hands. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel anger, in fact, I felt nothing. I felt empty and alone. This feeling of “nothingness” will eventually follow me into my marriage and despite everything I’ve accomplished, I still feel nothing. I feel no joy, no anger, no sadness, nothing.
I still think about the little blob every now and then. I really wished that I could turn back time to change everything. But, I keep thinking if my life had turned out differently if I did.
The little blob never really died, part of me did. On some days, the little blob managed to creep into my thoughts when I’m just lazing around, that’s when I’ll start questioning my whole life.
Until today, I never told my parents. As I’m writing this, I’m not looking for sympathy or to justify my actions, no, I’m just writing this, hoping that my story will help a young pregnant teen to make the right decision and to be responsible of the consequences no matter what decision she chose to make. I took the easy, cowardly way out. But, that’s not the only option. There are many, many other options.
This is to also tell you, my dear readers that, life is all about choices. I made my choice to leave him and work on myself. I made a choice to do the right thing and I’m proud to say that, I’m happily married, I have the most adorable 1 year old, I graduated with my Masters in Political Science and I have the greatest job of guiding and teaching young kids.
I made my choice even though I cannot erase the past, I embrace it. It will always be a part of me. It has taught me to grow up, be responsible and today, I learnt how to be a great mom to my child. I mourn what could have been and what I had lost. Maybe, I will find a way to forgive myself. Maybe, just maybe, I hope God will forgive me too.