One thing children don’t know: moms secrets.
When I was younger and in my rebellious years, I remember what my mum would always say to me:
“You may not see things my way now. But some day when you become a mum yourself, then you will understand.”
It’s true what they say. The only time you know anything about raising kids and parenting is after you actually have them. And what you know and learned is the result of plunging into the deep ends of parenthood, it is sync or swim! I am always thinking I could have done this better, I shouldn’t have said that, I shouldn’t have lost my temper, always trying to do what is right and still falling short.
My kids are under 6 now, so of course they have absolutely no clue what struggles we go through bringing them up. It made me think what grievous hurts I gave my mum growing up in my teens. I was older then, but still oblivious.
So, I’m writing this in letter form to my daughters. Not so much for them, but more for me, and to all mothers out there who feel the same.
I Love You More Than I Can Express
My dearest daughter,
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Before your sister came along, I was a full time housewife. I didn’t have to work and I could spend one on one time teaching you and nurturing you. I know you miss this a lot. You’ve told me this before. We did lots of fun activities together then didn’t we. I’m sorry I’m always barking orders the moment you get back from school. My day is so tight right now, I can’t seem to relax. I want to slow down and hug and tell you I love you, but on some days when I realise, it is already the end of the day.
I have a lot of expectations to meet you see. The chores, the caring for you and your sister, and getting food on the table on time.
I probably don’t express myself very well, but I want you and your sister to know that you two are very important and very, very dear to me.
You Hurt Me
My dearest daughter,
Shall I list down when you’ve hurt me?
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How about that time when you were two weeks old and breastfeeding? I was in sooooo much pain, gritting my teeth through cracked nipples. You even had a mouthful of blood. Don’t even get me started on the mastitis, blocked ducts and recurring milk blisters.
How about the first time you said I didn’t love you because you didn’t get your way. Or when you were rude and disobeyed me? Or when you said I loved your little sister more than you?
These things hurt me deeply. Still, I love you.
I Know I’m Not Perfect
My dearest daughter,
I’m sorry I lost my cool and yelled at you.
I’m sorry I’m not always calm.
I’m sorry we argued in front of you.
I’m sorry I’m being impatient.
As a parent, I am my own worst critic. I know there’s no such thing as a perfect parent, but I do try to be one. I know I fail on a daily basis and although I know I should forgive myself and move on, I’m not great at that either.
I Love Watching You When You are Sleeping
My dearest daughter,
In far contrast to all the yelling during the day, some nights I would creep into your bedroom to check on you and watch you sleep. Seeing you sleep so peacefully makes me forget the drama and chaos that was our day. My heart fills with love as I kiss your forehead and brush the hair on your forehead.
No matter what you did today, you are perfect.
I Want What is Best for You
My dearest daughter,
I know you might not believe it, especially since I’m yelling my head off about how careless you are at maths. The countless Chinese writing drills we do which you ABSOLUTELY hate. Or why I insist you don’t do certain things even when all your friends are doing it.
Bottom line is: I DO want what is best for you – I just have a really weird way of showing it. I don’t know always know the best way to teach you.
I’m also learning what you like, your love languages. Everything about you interests me.
I Was A Kid Once Too
My dearest daughter,
Dirt is fine. Catching earth worms are fine too. I cannot remember if we cooked a few in my time.
Hopscotch is fun but I love skip rope games more.
I love the sound of collective marbles dropping in a congkak, my hands were really too small to be playing batu seremban and it’s okay to get into petty fights with your friends.
Playing house, playing masak-masak, and making a mess.
I will also totally understand when you start holding concerts in your own bedroom to emulate your favourite boy band or pop artist. I was once a kid too you know. I know what’s fun.
I Dread How Fast You’re Growing
My dearest daughter,
You and your sister are growing too fast. I cherish the time when you are small and need me. Someday you will no longer sit on my knee and ask for cuddles. The little things that I can do for you will become less as you gain your independence.
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You will hang out with your own friends, I won’t see you at home all the time or have chances to yell at you. I will have to start letting you make your own choices in life. But no matter where you are, no matter what you do, I always be praying for success in all you do and for your safe return. Always remember, I love you and you will always be my daughter.
